I'm in one of those moods where I just want to write & write about anything & everything. I get like this a lot when it's late at night. I don't know where to exactly start. I have so much on my mind. I am just going to write as if I'm talking to someone, so if this doesn't make all the sense in the world, understand that I am just here to vent & write all my feelings, this is probably going to be very long.

The past few days I have missed Casey more then anything. I just cry & cry, I hurt & hurt. I just miss him so much. I don't understand death, I really don't. Why are people taken away from us, just ripped out of ours so fast, so easy, just in a snap of a finger, as fast as a heart beat they are just gone. I miss what we had, I miss his hugs & I miss his smile, I miss his laugh, I miss him telling me he loved me & us spending late nights together just messing around & watching movies. I miss him so much, I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no control over any of it & I know I don't, I hate not having control of him being around, I hate knowing I have to go my whole life without his touch, his voice, his hugs, his kiss, everything. I love him, I love him so much. I just want him by my side so much, I don't know what I am going to do without him, it's been over a month & I am so dysfunctional. I just want to sleep all day & night. I ask the Lord over & over again, "Why Father? Why have you taken something so close & dear? Why is he gone, is he really gone forever? Why did he have to go so young?" & all I get is, it was his time to go. Well I don't think so, I just don't. He was so young, he barely got to live life. I wasn't there when he died, but I can't deal with listening to sirens on ambulances, I hate hospitals , I can't even watch a movie with someone who is dead in it, it just hurts. I just don't know how to feel anymore, I just try to numb the pain, I barely even cry anymore because I just want to numb it all. This has got to be the worst feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. I miss him so much.

As for friends, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It just hurts me as well. Not having my friends around anymore, I miss Kyle, Dallas, Mark,Brendan, Joshua, Marshall, everyone. I want them around. I want them back in my life. I'm not complete without them around. Those are the boys that put a smile on my face when I was hurting the most, the way they hug me, the way they hold me, the way the say to me "It's okay Serenity" I believe them, I trust them. I open up to them. I give them all I can until I don't know what else to give. I just need them, I need them more then anything in this whole world. I don't even like getting dressed up or looking good anymore, I feel like what's the point it if I don't get to see them.

I just need to figure out where to go from here, without Casey & without those boys, without Dallas. I care about him so much. So where from now? I really don't know anymore. I am so broken up, I feel worthless, I feel hopeless & I feel like I'm not good enough for anything if I'm not good enough for them. Everyone tells me to forget about them & just not to worry about it, but no one understands how much they truly mean to me. Those boys are literally my whole world, I have never felt so incomplete. Sometimes, I wish I never met them but then again I am so grateful I did, because I don't know who I would be or where I would be without them. I love them.

I just am back to old Serenity, the insecure little girl who is shy & to scared to even go meet people for the fear of being hurt only once again, I don't trust anyone. That's why I write these blogs is because I feel like this is a way to express how I feel without actually telling people, if that makes sense. My best friend tells me that I am good enough & that I shouldn't let this get me down, but he doesn't get it either. My life was ripped away from me August 12th. Everything I had was taken away in a heart beat, so how do I get it back? I really don't know. I have lost it. I have lost myself once again. I didn't want this day to come back, I never wanted to feel like this ever again & I do. I don't feel like me anymore, I have no idea who I am anymore.

I hate this feeling so much. I just want it taken away. I don't like it. at all. I want my life back. I want everything the way it was. When I would stay at Dallas & Kyle's house & everyone would be drunk & high & I would be there laughing at them helping them get their cigarettes out & lighting them for them, or when we would sit around in the smoking circle & everyone would yell at me because I was sober & they wanted me to smoke weed with the,, I miss putting them to bed when they couldn't find their bed rooms, I miss sitting out front of Kyle's or on the side just hanging out hiding from the cops because we did something stupid that we shouldn't have, I miss having to hide them not being sober from their mom & sneaking beer into Kyle's room for Kyle & Casey to drink. I miss just sitting around laughing at each other. I miss everything.

Oh well, I need to fix everything, either forget them or let go.