As I was writing my last blog, I felt like I had nothing left to say or do. But today as I felt myself only getting weaker & weaker, best friend wrote me on msn, he told me to tell him everything htat I hate about myself & tell him everything I want to change, so I told him & as he is writing me back he says to me, Serenity every time you talk to yourself, family or friends I want you to tell yourself every time you talk that you are great & you love who you are, he told me to continue to put myself up instead of put myself down. All day I have cried over the smallest things & after I talked to him I just felt better about everything, I was even laughing & smiling. I want to just tell any one who reads this, my best friend Bronsen is the greatest friend I have ever had in my life. He knows me probably better than I know myself, he knows how much potential I have & how beautiful I am, he knows that even at my weakest moments I can stay strong & when I don't feel strong he reassures me I'm going to be okay & that I am strong. He takes better care of me than I do for myself. He is my other half & my wouldn't be complete without him by my side. He is the sunshine to my day & joy behind my laughter, he is the greatest friend I have ever had & could ever ask for.
So today, was my friend Kyle's birthday & also my friend Casey's one month since he passed away. I haven't talked to Kyle all day, but he was Casey's best friend, so I hope that his day went well/ Today was really rough on me, I cried a lot & I don't think I'm done just yet crying. I got a friend back that I really missed. My amigo Alex. Today was the day for a new beginning, today I got to meet my wonderful Niece who was born August 08 2008. I am so grateful for her, I lost someone & I gained someone.
I have missed Casey, more than anything today. Today I re lived the past of the first day that he passed. I saw my friends falling apart again & hurting so much worse, it destroys me to see my friends hurts, my brothers hurt. Threw this whole thing, I have stayed so strong for everyone else until today. Today I realized that I can't always be there & I can't always be super woman, but I can be the best friend that I can & I can be there as much as possible, but I can always hurt just as much as them.
Casey was someone I dearly loved & cared for, he was the boy who showed that it was okay to love & I got to feel love back. I trusted him, He meant more to me than anyone else knew, I kept all the feelings I felt for him to myself until just recently & lately within the past week, it really hit how much I still really do love him. How bad I wish I could just kiss him, hold his hand, hear his voice just one more time. I want to be able to say my goodbyes with a hug & a kiss.
As for Dallas, the boy who owns my heart whole heart. Love has never come over me so strong & I can't help but love him so much, but all it's bringing is hurt & I can't deal with it anymore. I need him way more than he will ever need me & I love him way more than he will ever understand. He was great to me & I really miss him but I have to learn to let him go. You see I try to find the good in everyone, because I believe that there is good in every soul. So every day, every time I pray & every time I see Dallas I try my hardest to find the better half of him, but sometimes the good in people just doesn't want to come out. So to my dearest Dallas, I know there is good in you, but I can't keep looking for it. It hurts me too much.
I want to also let you readers know, that I have an amazing family who also keeps me strong. They keep me going everyday & they make me want to get out of bed every morning. They mean everything to me & if I didn't have such great parents & such great siblings I don't think I could be as strong as I am. I have wonderful parents who trust & believe in me, I have amazing brothers & sisters that I can laugh with & share the greatest jokes with that only us would get. So to my family, I love you guys so much & I am so grateful that I have you all in my life. You keep me strong every single day & every single time I leave the house. Thank you guys, I love you.
So for now, it's time to turn in. It's three am & I still have to call my friend Jesse. So, until tomorrow. Good night, well good morning. Have a wonderful day.
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