I'm in one of those moods where I just want to write & write about anything & everything. I get like this a lot when it's late at night. I don't know where to exactly start. I have so much on my mind. I am just going to write as if I'm talking to someone, so if this doesn't make all the sense in the world, understand that I am just here to vent & write all my feelings, this is probably going to be very long.

The past few days I have missed Casey more then anything. I just cry & cry, I hurt & hurt. I just miss him so much. I don't understand death, I really don't. Why are people taken away from us, just ripped out of ours so fast, so easy, just in a snap of a finger, as fast as a heart beat they are just gone. I miss what we had, I miss his hugs & I miss his smile, I miss his laugh, I miss him telling me he loved me & us spending late nights together just messing around & watching movies. I miss him so much, I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no control over any of it & I know I don't, I hate not having control of him being around, I hate knowing I have to go my whole life without his touch, his voice, his hugs, his kiss, everything. I love him, I love him so much. I just want him by my side so much, I don't know what I am going to do without him, it's been over a month & I am so dysfunctional. I just want to sleep all day & night. I ask the Lord over & over again, "Why Father? Why have you taken something so close & dear? Why is he gone, is he really gone forever? Why did he have to go so young?" & all I get is, it was his time to go. Well I don't think so, I just don't. He was so young, he barely got to live life. I wasn't there when he died, but I can't deal with listening to sirens on ambulances, I hate hospitals , I can't even watch a movie with someone who is dead in it, it just hurts. I just don't know how to feel anymore, I just try to numb the pain, I barely even cry anymore because I just want to numb it all. This has got to be the worst feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. I miss him so much.

As for friends, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It just hurts me as well. Not having my friends around anymore, I miss Kyle, Dallas, Mark,Brendan, Joshua, Marshall, everyone. I want them around. I want them back in my life. I'm not complete without them around. Those are the boys that put a smile on my face when I was hurting the most, the way they hug me, the way they hold me, the way the say to me "It's okay Serenity" I believe them, I trust them. I open up to them. I give them all I can until I don't know what else to give. I just need them, I need them more then anything in this whole world. I don't even like getting dressed up or looking good anymore, I feel like what's the point it if I don't get to see them.

I just need to figure out where to go from here, without Casey & without those boys, without Dallas. I care about him so much. So where from now? I really don't know anymore. I am so broken up, I feel worthless, I feel hopeless & I feel like I'm not good enough for anything if I'm not good enough for them. Everyone tells me to forget about them & just not to worry about it, but no one understands how much they truly mean to me. Those boys are literally my whole world, I have never felt so incomplete. Sometimes, I wish I never met them but then again I am so grateful I did, because I don't know who I would be or where I would be without them. I love them.

I just am back to old Serenity, the insecure little girl who is shy & to scared to even go meet people for the fear of being hurt only once again, I don't trust anyone. That's why I write these blogs is because I feel like this is a way to express how I feel without actually telling people, if that makes sense. My best friend tells me that I am good enough & that I shouldn't let this get me down, but he doesn't get it either. My life was ripped away from me August 12th. Everything I had was taken away in a heart beat, so how do I get it back? I really don't know. I have lost it. I have lost myself once again. I didn't want this day to come back, I never wanted to feel like this ever again & I do. I don't feel like me anymore, I have no idea who I am anymore.

I hate this feeling so much. I just want it taken away. I don't like it. at all. I want my life back. I want everything the way it was. When I would stay at Dallas & Kyle's house & everyone would be drunk & high & I would be there laughing at them helping them get their cigarettes out & lighting them for them, or when we would sit around in the smoking circle & everyone would yell at me because I was sober & they wanted me to smoke weed with the,, I miss putting them to bed when they couldn't find their bed rooms, I miss sitting out front of Kyle's or on the side just hanging out hiding from the cops because we did something stupid that we shouldn't have, I miss having to hide them not being sober from their mom & sneaking beer into Kyle's room for Kyle & Casey to drink. I miss just sitting around laughing at each other. I miss everything.

Oh well, I need to fix everything, either forget them or let go.

My brothers;

So usually, I get insperation to write late at night, well early in the mornings. Anyways.
I just decided I wanted to write a few things about a few of my friends.
One- Bronsen Rhodes. My best friend & my hero. He has stayed strong & kept his head up. He keeps me going every day, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. He keeps me up & strong when I'm down & weak. He lets me know I am good enough for anything & I can do anything I want if I set my mind to it. He is my insperation & the greatest best friend in this whole world.
Two- Jesse Silva. You are awesome. I love the random phone calls at two in the morning or when you call me & just scream my name. I love that I have someone so great in my life, you've kept me alive, you've kept me strong & you've managed to keep a smile on my face. I don't know where I would be without you Jesse, you're my brother & my homie for life. I love you mayunn.

I don't have much to say or write at the moment but I just wanted to let my readers know that these two boys are the best friends in this whole world & they are keeping me strong. They are my brothers & the greatest people to ever come into my life, I don't know where I would be without them.
<3
I love you Bronsen & I love you Silva<3 (:

08.09.08

As I was writing my last blog, I felt like I had nothing left to say or do. But today as I felt myself only getting weaker & weaker, best friend wrote me on msn, he told me to tell him everything htat I hate about myself & tell him everything I want to change, so I told him & as he is writing me back he says to me, Serenity every time you talk to yourself, family or friends I want you to tell yourself every time you talk that you are great & you love who you are, he told me to continue to put myself up instead of put myself down. All day I have cried over the smallest things & after I talked to him I just felt better about everything, I was even laughing & smiling. I want to just tell any one who reads this, my best friend Bronsen is the greatest friend I have ever had in my life. He knows me probably better than I know myself, he knows how much potential I have & how beautiful I am, he knows that even at my weakest moments I can stay strong & when I don't feel strong he reassures me I'm going to be okay & that I am strong. He takes better care of me than I do for myself. He is my other half & my wouldn't be complete without him by my side. He is the sunshine to my day & joy behind my laughter, he is the greatest friend I have ever had & could ever ask for.

So today, was my friend Kyle's birthday & also my friend Casey's one month since he passed away. I haven't talked to Kyle all day, but he was Casey's best friend, so I hope that his day went well/ Today was really rough on me, I cried a lot & I don't think I'm done just yet crying. I got a friend back that I really missed. My amigo Alex. Today was the day for a new beginning, today I got to meet my wonderful Niece who was born August 08 2008. I am so grateful for her, I lost someone & I gained someone.
I have missed Casey, more than anything today. Today I re lived the past of the first day that he passed. I saw my friends falling apart again & hurting so much worse, it destroys me to see my friends hurts, my brothers hurt. Threw this whole thing, I have stayed so strong for everyone else until today. Today I realized that I can't always be there & I can't always be super woman, but I can be the best friend that I can & I can be there as much as possible, but I can always hurt just as much as them.
Casey was someone I dearly loved & cared for, he was the boy who showed that it was okay to love & I got to feel love back. I trusted him, He meant more to me than anyone else knew, I kept all the feelings I felt for him to myself until just recently & lately within the past week, it really hit how much I still really do love him. How bad I wish I could just kiss him, hold his hand, hear his voice just one more time. I want to be able to say my goodbyes with a hug & a kiss.
As for Dallas, the boy who owns my heart whole heart. Love has never come over me so strong & I can't help but love him so much, but all it's bringing is hurt & I can't deal with it anymore. I need him way more than he will ever need me & I love him way more than he will ever understand. He was great to me & I really miss him but I have to learn to let him go. You see I try to find the good in everyone, because I believe that there is good in every soul. So every day, every time I pray & every time I see Dallas I try my hardest to find the better half of him, but sometimes the good in people just doesn't want to come out. So to my dearest Dallas, I know there is good in you, but I can't keep looking for it. It hurts me too much.

I want to also let you readers know, that I have an amazing family who also keeps me strong. They keep me going everyday & they make me want to get out of bed every morning. They mean everything to me & if I didn't have such great parents & such great siblings I don't think I could be as strong as I am. I have wonderful parents who trust & believe in me, I have amazing brothers & sisters that I can laugh with & share the greatest jokes with that only us would get. So to my family, I love you guys so much & I am so grateful that I have you all in my life. You keep me strong every single day & every single time I leave the house. Thank you guys, I love you.

So for now, it's time to turn in. It's three am & I still have to call my friend Jesse. So, until tomorrow. Good night, well good morning. Have a wonderful day.

All these things;

I've been thinking so much to myself lately. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have so many insecurities and I live everyday trying to impress everyone, which I have tried so hard not to do but I've realized that's all I've been doing this whole time.
I found a group of people that made me feel like for once, it was okay to be me, I was pretty any way I was, when I first wake up and even after I get ready, I was accepted the way I was, scene,preppy,skater, anything I was, I was okay and accepted.
But I have lost those people, and let me tell you that I have really lost myself again. I know exactly who I am when I am around those people, but I don't know who I am now. I need them back in my life because I am falling apart in every way possible. I don't even know how to leave my house anymore, I can barely get out of bed. I just need them by my side, to hug me, to kiss me, to tell me it's going to be okay, that everything is okay, to be their baby sister, for them to be my big brothers, to be protected, to be safe, to be loved. I need that more than anything in this whole world and I would give anything to keep them in my life forever.
So, I've lost what I have loved the very most in life. So where from now? Who am I from here on? Let me try to explain this.
I am a girl, a very young girl who has no idea what to do with her life, I hate the world I live in, I hate the generation I live in, I hate that I am here in this small town stuck here. There is so many things I want to do, I even have a certain look I want to have but I feel so trapped in this place. I just feel like I can't be who I really want to be & I feel like I have being held back so much from life.
I want more than anything to have a boyfriend that will be here for me threw thick & thin, deal with all my crap, laugh at me when I'm having one of my freak out moments, hug me when I cry, tell me he loves me when I feel like the whole world is against me, kiss me & tell me that it's going to be okay and he will always be there, I want a boy that will care about me no matter what anyone else has to say about me. I want a boyfriend that will stick by my side and he will be there at three in the morning when I need him. I want something that is way too good to be true. I want Dallas, he is the most perfect boy I have ever met and he doesn't get what it does to me not to have him. He is the boy that I look at and him crying or laughing it puts a smile on my face to just see him and be around him, his touch makes my entire body just shut down and want to completely melt away, hearing his voice makes everything so much better, kissing him is like the whole world doesn't exist, it's just me and him. Even after we lost Casey, Dallas was the boy who made me want to get out of bed, he was the reason I would eat every day and he was the reason a smile stayed on my face & there was still a little laughter left in me. But without him, my world isn't anything.
I hate revolving so much of my life around just some boy, who isn't much of anything, but he is everything to me and he makes me feel invincible, the touch of his hand holding mine is the greatest feeling, the kisses he gives me, on my head, on my neck, on my lips, on my cheek anything, it's perfection, nothing in this whole world has ever made me feel so amazing and sometimes, I wish he didn't have such a big effect on me but I can't help but feel this. I just care so much about him, I don't know how to let go I don't know where to start to let go, I just don't know.

I hate these insecurities I feel, I wish they would just go away. But I just don't feel good enough, not at all. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone and I just want to be good enough. I want to be good enough for my mom, for my sister, for my brothers, for my friends, for Dallas, for the Lord, for everyone and I just feel like every time I try to do good, it always turns out horrible. Nothing ever goes right. I try so hard to stay so positive and I try so hard to keep my head up and be strong but I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I have never felt so weak in my entire life and I don't think it's going to change anytime soon, I just don't want to do anything anymore. I wish I could just lay in my room all day long and not do anything, I wish I could shut out this entire world and not even care about anything, I just wish I didn't have these feelings, I hate hurting and I hate feeling like this. Just for once, just once I want things to go my way.
Every time something goes good, like Dallas for instance. It was so perfect, I thought it was too good to be true but I was okay, I was just happy to have it and turns out, it was too good to be true, I was to happy. I never ever want to fall for someone again, because I am sick of this feeling. I don't want to care about friends, I don't want to care about Dallas, I don't want to care anymore about myself, I just want to give up completely.

So advice to myself.
Don't give up, you didn't get this far for nothing. So stay strong and just hold on. It will get better one day. Things are hard and they will probably get much harder but in the end it will be well worth it. The Lord told us. " I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". I need to keep my chin up and find the positive. Look for all the good, all the pretty and all the things that can make me happier as a person. Don't give up just keep steady.