You think..

You think I don't fucking miss you? Because I do. I miss you so much that it drives me crazy every single day of my life. How do you expect me to forgive you for this? Huh.. because I don't know how.. I don't know how to get over all the shit you have done to me. You have completely shattered every little piece of love I have felt for you. I just want to love you & you to love me. I want to get past all this bullshit & be together because I know, I know that we can be okay because we have been before.

I just need to see that you are sorry, I need to know that you are sorry, I need to know you love me & I need to know this will all work out.

I can't take the dreams or feeling so fucking using or hopeless. I can't handle feeling so out of control with my life. It's making me so crazy every single day of my life. I've hid these feelings, from myself & from everyone else but all of a sudden they just came out & decided to sneak up on me. I don't want to feel like this about you anymore.. If I can't have you, I want you to go away for the rest of my life.. & I hate that thought but I don't know what else to do. You were such a big part for so long & all of a sudden you're just gone. I don't want you gone, but you are & if it's going to stay like this I want you gone forever & ever.

I don't want to cry about you anymore. I don't want to feel heartbreak anymore. I just want my best friend, my fiance, my love, my baby.

My Monday night.

All night has been full of screaming, fighting & truths coming out.
I feel like I am living in a house with people I tried so hard to trust & I wanted so badly to become my good friends, maybe even become a family, but that is nothing that will happen around here because I am the only one out of the loop & I am the only one sitting alone.

Everyone is downstairs, laughing, bullshitting & having a good time. I'm not sure what to do with myself, all I know is I want the hell out of here & I want out now.
I have this feeling things aren't going to change if I stay & I don't want to stick around to find out.
Way too much has gone down lately & it's more than I can handle.

This is by far the worst week, ever.

Why does your heart feel something is right, when in reality it's not right?
Why does it feel good & feel okay & then it really isn't?

this isn't okay.
I mean, I wont hold onto this much longer but it did feel right.


Lately, nothing at all feels right at all.
I just keep messing up.
I want my friends back, I want my jared, I want my jordan, I want my trent.
I want them back & I can't fix this, I can't do this & it's hurting me.
I don't think they will even be able to understand how much it hurts me that they are gone.
The weekends don't feel right unless I'm with them, the nights suck because I can't talk to them.

I just...
I don't know what to do anymore.

My heart hurts again.


Things were finally falling into place as they should & I had to go mess it up.
This wasn't fate, this is my mess that I did. I screwed up so bad & I don't know how I can fix this.

I love how things just go all good & they just get all ruined.
It's not okay.
This is not okay, not at all.

bleh.

I can't believe this is happening to me, once again!

I need help.

I can't do this anymore, I can't.

What do I do?

This isn't okay...

ughhhhhhhh! /:

"Your shoulders are strong, you prove them wrong. "
Sometimes, my shoulders don't seem so strong.

My life is a mess, but it's set to perfectly.
I fell for someone, I fell really hard. 
He kinda meant a lot to me in a very short amount of time.
He kind of made me let go of Casey, he helped me get past it.

But it's not okay, it's NOT okay. He is gone now too.
He doesn't care about me, he never will, he never did.
Why...
why am I so completely stupid?

My heart hurts, it hurts so much.
It needs to stop.
My heart is soo messed up.
Half of it is with someone who isn't even here anymore & the other half is just floating around, just wondering & I don't know where it is, I don't know how to get it back. I don't know what to do.
My heart, has never been so completely damaged.
There was a time...
Everything was perfect. One hunderded & ten percent PERFECT.
Alex<3
Morgan<3
Daniel<3
Myyyyyy best friends, they meant everything too me.
But no! Serenity just has to go mess up...
& find a friend who is a lying p.o.s... then has her meet a wonderful boy who seems so great & then gets me head or heals, heals over head, butterflies, sweeps me off my feets, it was amazing, until he just left... got right up & left.
There goes that, I find out this girl is a liar & telling him things behind my back.
Well, I just lost everything. Right there, Right then.
It wasn't okay.

Recently, I'm trying to just get back on my feet.

Trezlyn.
Halie.
Jared.
The three people that are honestly, keeping me going every single day.
I hope, I HOPE they never leave.

It'd hurt soo bad. I don't think I can handle anyone leaving anymore.

I am trying my hardest to just be happy with what I have right now, because I do have some really great things in my life.

I enjoy things & people who are around me lately.

Yup.


Wow, I always come here when I just want to vent & write.

I like it.
It's nice.

December 6th 2008

So, this year is almost over & I am so excited, I can't even wait. This has one been hell of a ride.
I've been so happy lately, I've found good things. I have my best friend, I have my family. I just have it so good right now, It's kinda scary to be honest.
Man, do I miss Casey though. It hurts so much I just try not to think about it, I go my whole day trying to avoid even his name. I don't want to forget it. I just don't know what to do anymore about it. I love him. I have never felt so strong about someone before... like.. Love isn't even enough to say It's not even a strong enough word. I can't describe how I feel whenever I say "I love him" It's a feeling I've never felt before.
So there is this boy I'm starting to like...or kinda pushing myself to like? I dunno. He is such a sweet heart, don't get me wrong. I just miss Casey so much, he was my baby. I just don't know how to get close to a guy again, I don't want to loose someone I love again. I can't take it another time.
Dallllas, Dallas,Dalllllas! Ohhh this boy! Where does he come from? I don't even know. I just wow... When ever I think about him my heart starts racing & I feel like I can't breathe. Whenever I think about when we cuddled,kissed or we were just wrestling I feel that feeling of... He was like a part of me whenever he would touch me. It was like he was my other half. I don't know. I don't love him, I have never loved him.. I wanted to love him & oddly over six months later I would still give him a chance if he asked for it. Stupid right? I know. I know. I shouldn't be so dumb. But I ca't help it.
Ugh, it's winter time. This was mine & Casey's time last year...oh boy this is going to be a rough winter. I just need to get threw it as fast as possible.
Gosh so much is going threw my head right now, I don't know what to even write about. I am just rambling you know?
laskdfaj.
I am so happy, don't get me wrong. Just sometimes I get those moments where I miss the hell out of the boys. I just loved them. I fell in love with each & every one of them & I have let go... but not completely... I just.. Love them. They were a part of me for so long. They made me who I am.
Ohh myyyy. I don't know what I'm writing.
It's late.
I cried today, first time in a month about Casey. It was hard, I just couldn't take it.... So I stopped thinking about him. I don't want to forget him. I just don't want to hurt like this. I want him home soo bad. I just lay in bed & pray he'll come home... some how he'll be back..
I was going threw my phone the other day & I saw him in my contacts & it broke my heart because I forget he passed away & I went to text him & say "Hi baby, I miss you" but then I realized... I couldn't because he wouldn't reply.

I want him home so bad. How do I fall in love? I don't know how... I forgot. Casey has my heart. He took it to grave & I'm not sure how to get it back.. he'll forever hold a piece of my heart but I want some of it back.. or do I? Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

Damn.
I just...
I dunno.
I love my boys.
I love Casey.
I miss Dallas.
Why do I miss Dallas?
I bet he doesn't think of me...
ever..
I just want Kyle & Dallas.
I want them back in my life so bad...
but I'm not willing to put them back or even try to put them back in my life because in a way, I was soo unhappy but I also was the happiest girl ever.
I think too much.

asdklf I hate drugs as well.
I HATE THEM!
They ruin everything.
I just want to scream when I hear about drugs.
I want to hit something so hard...
They piss me off more than anything.
gosh.


I miss my big sister.
I get to see her on Wednesday, I can't wait. I haven't seen her in almost five months?
Yup, she got locked up right after Casey died.. like three days after. Woo, what a great time in my life. I can't even think about it..
It hurts. Lost the love of my life, lost my big sister, love my friends, my boys, I lost myself. Wow, I'm not even getting into this.




I'm done.

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to write & write about anything & everything. I get like this a lot when it's late at night. I don't know where to exactly start. I have so much on my mind. I am just going to write as if I'm talking to someone, so if this doesn't make all the sense in the world, understand that I am just here to vent & write all my feelings, this is probably going to be very long.

The past few days I have missed Casey more then anything. I just cry & cry, I hurt & hurt. I just miss him so much. I don't understand death, I really don't. Why are people taken away from us, just ripped out of ours so fast, so easy, just in a snap of a finger, as fast as a heart beat they are just gone. I miss what we had, I miss his hugs & I miss his smile, I miss his laugh, I miss him telling me he loved me & us spending late nights together just messing around & watching movies. I miss him so much, I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no control over any of it & I know I don't, I hate not having control of him being around, I hate knowing I have to go my whole life without his touch, his voice, his hugs, his kiss, everything. I love him, I love him so much. I just want him by my side so much, I don't know what I am going to do without him, it's been over a month & I am so dysfunctional. I just want to sleep all day & night. I ask the Lord over & over again, "Why Father? Why have you taken something so close & dear? Why is he gone, is he really gone forever? Why did he have to go so young?" & all I get is, it was his time to go. Well I don't think so, I just don't. He was so young, he barely got to live life. I wasn't there when he died, but I can't deal with listening to sirens on ambulances, I hate hospitals , I can't even watch a movie with someone who is dead in it, it just hurts. I just don't know how to feel anymore, I just try to numb the pain, I barely even cry anymore because I just want to numb it all. This has got to be the worst feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. I miss him so much.

As for friends, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It just hurts me as well. Not having my friends around anymore, I miss Kyle, Dallas, Mark,Brendan, Joshua, Marshall, everyone. I want them around. I want them back in my life. I'm not complete without them around. Those are the boys that put a smile on my face when I was hurting the most, the way they hug me, the way they hold me, the way the say to me "It's okay Serenity" I believe them, I trust them. I open up to them. I give them all I can until I don't know what else to give. I just need them, I need them more then anything in this whole world. I don't even like getting dressed up or looking good anymore, I feel like what's the point it if I don't get to see them.

I just need to figure out where to go from here, without Casey & without those boys, without Dallas. I care about him so much. So where from now? I really don't know anymore. I am so broken up, I feel worthless, I feel hopeless & I feel like I'm not good enough for anything if I'm not good enough for them. Everyone tells me to forget about them & just not to worry about it, but no one understands how much they truly mean to me. Those boys are literally my whole world, I have never felt so incomplete. Sometimes, I wish I never met them but then again I am so grateful I did, because I don't know who I would be or where I would be without them. I love them.

I just am back to old Serenity, the insecure little girl who is shy & to scared to even go meet people for the fear of being hurt only once again, I don't trust anyone. That's why I write these blogs is because I feel like this is a way to express how I feel without actually telling people, if that makes sense. My best friend tells me that I am good enough & that I shouldn't let this get me down, but he doesn't get it either. My life was ripped away from me August 12th. Everything I had was taken away in a heart beat, so how do I get it back? I really don't know. I have lost it. I have lost myself once again. I didn't want this day to come back, I never wanted to feel like this ever again & I do. I don't feel like me anymore, I have no idea who I am anymore.

I hate this feeling so much. I just want it taken away. I don't like it. at all. I want my life back. I want everything the way it was. When I would stay at Dallas & Kyle's house & everyone would be drunk & high & I would be there laughing at them helping them get their cigarettes out & lighting them for them, or when we would sit around in the smoking circle & everyone would yell at me because I was sober & they wanted me to smoke weed with the,, I miss putting them to bed when they couldn't find their bed rooms, I miss sitting out front of Kyle's or on the side just hanging out hiding from the cops because we did something stupid that we shouldn't have, I miss having to hide them not being sober from their mom & sneaking beer into Kyle's room for Kyle & Casey to drink. I miss just sitting around laughing at each other. I miss everything.

Oh well, I need to fix everything, either forget them or let go.

My brothers;

So usually, I get insperation to write late at night, well early in the mornings. Anyways.
I just decided I wanted to write a few things about a few of my friends.
One- Bronsen Rhodes. My best friend & my hero. He has stayed strong & kept his head up. He keeps me going every day, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. He keeps me up & strong when I'm down & weak. He lets me know I am good enough for anything & I can do anything I want if I set my mind to it. He is my insperation & the greatest best friend in this whole world.
Two- Jesse Silva. You are awesome. I love the random phone calls at two in the morning or when you call me & just scream my name. I love that I have someone so great in my life, you've kept me alive, you've kept me strong & you've managed to keep a smile on my face. I don't know where I would be without you Jesse, you're my brother & my homie for life. I love you mayunn.

I don't have much to say or write at the moment but I just wanted to let my readers know that these two boys are the best friends in this whole world & they are keeping me strong. They are my brothers & the greatest people to ever come into my life, I don't know where I would be without them.
<3
I love you Bronsen & I love you Silva<3 (: