December 6th 2008

So, this year is almost over & I am so excited, I can't even wait. This has one been hell of a ride.
I've been so happy lately, I've found good things. I have my best friend, I have my family. I just have it so good right now, It's kinda scary to be honest.
Man, do I miss Casey though. It hurts so much I just try not to think about it, I go my whole day trying to avoid even his name. I don't want to forget it. I just don't know what to do anymore about it. I love him. I have never felt so strong about someone before... like.. Love isn't even enough to say It's not even a strong enough word. I can't describe how I feel whenever I say "I love him" It's a feeling I've never felt before.
So there is this boy I'm starting to like...or kinda pushing myself to like? I dunno. He is such a sweet heart, don't get me wrong. I just miss Casey so much, he was my baby. I just don't know how to get close to a guy again, I don't want to loose someone I love again. I can't take it another time.
Dallllas, Dallas,Dalllllas! Ohhh this boy! Where does he come from? I don't even know. I just wow... When ever I think about him my heart starts racing & I feel like I can't breathe. Whenever I think about when we cuddled,kissed or we were just wrestling I feel that feeling of... He was like a part of me whenever he would touch me. It was like he was my other half. I don't know. I don't love him, I have never loved him.. I wanted to love him & oddly over six months later I would still give him a chance if he asked for it. Stupid right? I know. I know. I shouldn't be so dumb. But I ca't help it.
Ugh, it's winter time. This was mine & Casey's time last year...oh boy this is going to be a rough winter. I just need to get threw it as fast as possible.
Gosh so much is going threw my head right now, I don't know what to even write about. I am just rambling you know?
laskdfaj.
I am so happy, don't get me wrong. Just sometimes I get those moments where I miss the hell out of the boys. I just loved them. I fell in love with each & every one of them & I have let go... but not completely... I just.. Love them. They were a part of me for so long. They made me who I am.
Ohh myyyy. I don't know what I'm writing.
It's late.
I cried today, first time in a month about Casey. It was hard, I just couldn't take it.... So I stopped thinking about him. I don't want to forget him. I just don't want to hurt like this. I want him home soo bad. I just lay in bed & pray he'll come home... some how he'll be back..
I was going threw my phone the other day & I saw him in my contacts & it broke my heart because I forget he passed away & I went to text him & say "Hi baby, I miss you" but then I realized... I couldn't because he wouldn't reply.

I want him home so bad. How do I fall in love? I don't know how... I forgot. Casey has my heart. He took it to grave & I'm not sure how to get it back.. he'll forever hold a piece of my heart but I want some of it back.. or do I? Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

Damn.
I just...
I dunno.
I love my boys.
I love Casey.
I miss Dallas.
Why do I miss Dallas?
I bet he doesn't think of me...
ever..
I just want Kyle & Dallas.
I want them back in my life so bad...
but I'm not willing to put them back or even try to put them back in my life because in a way, I was soo unhappy but I also was the happiest girl ever.
I think too much.

asdklf I hate drugs as well.
I HATE THEM!
They ruin everything.
I just want to scream when I hear about drugs.
I want to hit something so hard...
They piss me off more than anything.
gosh.


I miss my big sister.
I get to see her on Wednesday, I can't wait. I haven't seen her in almost five months?
Yup, she got locked up right after Casey died.. like three days after. Woo, what a great time in my life. I can't even think about it..
It hurts. Lost the love of my life, lost my big sister, love my friends, my boys, I lost myself. Wow, I'm not even getting into this.




I'm done.