All these things;

I've been thinking so much to myself lately. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have so many insecurities and I live everyday trying to impress everyone, which I have tried so hard not to do but I've realized that's all I've been doing this whole time.
I found a group of people that made me feel like for once, it was okay to be me, I was pretty any way I was, when I first wake up and even after I get ready, I was accepted the way I was, scene,preppy,skater, anything I was, I was okay and accepted.
But I have lost those people, and let me tell you that I have really lost myself again. I know exactly who I am when I am around those people, but I don't know who I am now. I need them back in my life because I am falling apart in every way possible. I don't even know how to leave my house anymore, I can barely get out of bed. I just need them by my side, to hug me, to kiss me, to tell me it's going to be okay, that everything is okay, to be their baby sister, for them to be my big brothers, to be protected, to be safe, to be loved. I need that more than anything in this whole world and I would give anything to keep them in my life forever.
So, I've lost what I have loved the very most in life. So where from now? Who am I from here on? Let me try to explain this.
I am a girl, a very young girl who has no idea what to do with her life, I hate the world I live in, I hate the generation I live in, I hate that I am here in this small town stuck here. There is so many things I want to do, I even have a certain look I want to have but I feel so trapped in this place. I just feel like I can't be who I really want to be & I feel like I have being held back so much from life.
I want more than anything to have a boyfriend that will be here for me threw thick & thin, deal with all my crap, laugh at me when I'm having one of my freak out moments, hug me when I cry, tell me he loves me when I feel like the whole world is against me, kiss me & tell me that it's going to be okay and he will always be there, I want a boy that will care about me no matter what anyone else has to say about me. I want a boyfriend that will stick by my side and he will be there at three in the morning when I need him. I want something that is way too good to be true. I want Dallas, he is the most perfect boy I have ever met and he doesn't get what it does to me not to have him. He is the boy that I look at and him crying or laughing it puts a smile on my face to just see him and be around him, his touch makes my entire body just shut down and want to completely melt away, hearing his voice makes everything so much better, kissing him is like the whole world doesn't exist, it's just me and him. Even after we lost Casey, Dallas was the boy who made me want to get out of bed, he was the reason I would eat every day and he was the reason a smile stayed on my face & there was still a little laughter left in me. But without him, my world isn't anything.
I hate revolving so much of my life around just some boy, who isn't much of anything, but he is everything to me and he makes me feel invincible, the touch of his hand holding mine is the greatest feeling, the kisses he gives me, on my head, on my neck, on my lips, on my cheek anything, it's perfection, nothing in this whole world has ever made me feel so amazing and sometimes, I wish he didn't have such a big effect on me but I can't help but feel this. I just care so much about him, I don't know how to let go I don't know where to start to let go, I just don't know.

I hate these insecurities I feel, I wish they would just go away. But I just don't feel good enough, not at all. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone and I just want to be good enough. I want to be good enough for my mom, for my sister, for my brothers, for my friends, for Dallas, for the Lord, for everyone and I just feel like every time I try to do good, it always turns out horrible. Nothing ever goes right. I try so hard to stay so positive and I try so hard to keep my head up and be strong but I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I have never felt so weak in my entire life and I don't think it's going to change anytime soon, I just don't want to do anything anymore. I wish I could just lay in my room all day long and not do anything, I wish I could shut out this entire world and not even care about anything, I just wish I didn't have these feelings, I hate hurting and I hate feeling like this. Just for once, just once I want things to go my way.
Every time something goes good, like Dallas for instance. It was so perfect, I thought it was too good to be true but I was okay, I was just happy to have it and turns out, it was too good to be true, I was to happy. I never ever want to fall for someone again, because I am sick of this feeling. I don't want to care about friends, I don't want to care about Dallas, I don't want to care anymore about myself, I just want to give up completely.

So advice to myself.
Don't give up, you didn't get this far for nothing. So stay strong and just hold on. It will get better one day. Things are hard and they will probably get much harder but in the end it will be well worth it. The Lord told us. " I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". I need to keep my chin up and find the positive. Look for all the good, all the pretty and all the things that can make me happier as a person. Don't give up just keep steady.